I called the better club in that southern town on Tuesday, and they told me they weren’t hiring any dancers, they already had too many. Hopeful anyway, I showed up on Wednesday and they told me the same thing. That really sucked, cause I was down to, like, a hundred dollars. I had emergency money, but emergencies are mechanical or health disasters, not just running out of money.
So I went and got one of those anonymous WalMart phones, and I got on craigslist, where I discovered that girls in this town were having sex for $150 and even $100. That sucks. I put up an ad for topless housecleaning: one hundred dollars for an hours worth of sexy topless housecleaning, and I’ll throw in one lap dance at the end. Call my new phone, and have your own cleaning supplies. Then I went to sleep. When I woke up, there were twenty-something missed calls on the phone! I set up the voice mail and figured out how to turn the ringer on, and then I sat there and answered the phone for a few hours.
A lot of the callers were really upfront about wanting more than their house cleaned, and I sent them back to craigslist. A lot of them wanted to have me clean but they had wives. What if they got a hotel room, several of them asked, would I consider just pretending to clean a hotel room? No, not really. It just didn’t seem like a good idea. One guy wanted me to go through his girlfriends clothes or, alternately, pretend to be that sarcastic girl from that teevee show in NY with the guy with the funny hair. I told him the clothes thing was non consensual, so no, and I think he was totally unconvinced of my ability to pretend to be some woman on the teevee (I totally would youtubed it, tho).
I ended up booking three appointments, and I hoped they would all follow through. I remembered from doing fetishy stuff in PA that a little less than half of them never showed, but I thought it might be different since I had these guy’s addresses. The first day I called the first two guys: one had to cancel, and one would see me in an hour. I got dressed up in fishnets and a little black skirt with my nude colored thong under jeans and a tank top, and threw some six inch heels, my ipod and speakers, some cleaning gloves, and some rags so I didn’t have to use paper towels in a bag. I called the cleanest stripper with the most upper class upbringing I could think of and asked her how the hell to clean a house, and I took notes, which I studied while my friend was driving us over to the guys house.
I was a little nervous, but not too much. After a decade of stripping I am pretty good at assessing people and taking control of situations. I knocked on the door and got the guy to show me his whole house, and what needed cleaned. Really he just wanted everything vacuumed (even his hardwood floors), but that wouldn’t take a whole hour so I insisted on wiping things down in the kitchen and bathroom too. My friend called from out in the van and I told him everything was cool.
Then I stripped out of my jeans and tank top, slipped on my six inch heels, and started wiping counters with my ass stuck up in the air all sexy. The guy was dutifully impressed. In the south, I have the perfect body. We talked about his brothers moonshine operation and what it was like living in the south. I hoped he was looking at my ass and not at my cleaning, cause I honestly suck at cleaning. I tried wiping the light switches like my friend told me to, but it made mud shmears on the walls, so I stopped. It’s hot in the south (and last week I was in the snow), so I was sweating by the time I finished the kitchen and hoping I didn’t look too yucky and he couldn’t tell I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing with this cleaning shit.
The dude had an exceptionally clean bathroom that only took a minute to wipe down, but in all the whiteness I realized that red shop towels bleed red and aren’t good for cleaning. Woops. I didn’t remember until I started on the tub how those never work out for me. I mean, I can smear the dog hair around, but it doesn’t really seem to come out. He didn’t have dog hair in his tub, but I jiggled my ass and turned around and played with my boobs a little to distract him from my shitty tub cleaning.
Then I turned to the vacuum cleaner. It was big and red and complicated looking, so I just pretended to know what I was doing. It’s hard to vacuum in stripper shoes with the heels sinking into the carpet, but I did it. The noise was a conversation killer and resulted in a weird vibe, so I hurried through it while he laid on his bed and watched me. With the vacuuming done, I checked my clock: six more minutes, perfect. I lit a red candle in his living room, brought out my ipod, and announced that he was so cute and sweet I was going to give him two lap dances instead of one. Of course, at the end of two dances he wanted more, which he bought at the bulk rate of seven for a hundred bucks. I ran over and stuck the second hundred way down in my bag of cleaning rags with the first. Men, my friend D once said, are like little kids wandering around disney land with their dicks in their hands, trying to get someone to tell them how special theirs is. True to her theory, this guy started begging to take his out.
“Do you have another hundred dollars?†I asked him.
He did, and I stood up and danced in front of him while he played with himself. Of course, he wanted more, and of course I wanted more, too. So I sold him a little bit more, and a little bit more, a hundred dollars at a time, until I’d sold as much as I wanted to sell and left with six crispy hundred dollar bills, one of which I gave to my security.
My mom called the next morning and asked if I was working. I told her the strip club sucked and I was cleaning houses.
“What? Do you even know HOW to clean?â€
“I do now,†I tell her.
I wish I had thought of this in Texas last year… or Arizona this year!
That was pretty nice of you to give that much to your security/driver. Guys drop off the escorts at my hotel all of the time and I always wonder how they do.
I wonder also how I’d do posting the same type of ad as a guy. “Look but don’t touch” rules would apply. 😉
Just found this blog, it’s really great.
One thing you can do is advertise on criagslist for lapdances and tell them they get to keep your panties at the end of it. (cheap thongs come in handy).
Hot! You could totally clean my house like that.
I swear you are the most resourceful person I’ve ever known! (well, not “known” ’cause you don’t know me, but I feel like I know you from reading your blog every day). You never fail to crack me up, inspire and impress me at the same time. Keep up the good work!
Nice job! Very resourceful- I don’t know if I would have thought of that. I’m not sure where in the South you are, but I work in Durham at a club called Teasers (as Devon) and if you are in the area, we always need girls! The owner doesn’t really advertise so not many girls know about it but it is a great quality little club and the money is good. You could come and just work one shift if you wanted, the owner is very cool and laid back and he doesn’t care, he just wants girls. It’s not flooded with crowds, but it’s a fairly upscale clientèle and we still make good money without a lot of hustle. If you want more info, feel free to contact me. I know some of the other clubs around NC and parts of SC as well. Good luck either way!
Well, you clean that guy out, that’s gotta count for something!
You Go Girl! 😀
You. Are. SO. Awesome. 😯
Ha!
All in a days’ work you brilliant goddess!!
Every time I read your blog it just confirms the fact that you are my shero.
Ah, private dancing with a little twist of cleaing. Way cool.
You are hysterical. I’m a terrible housekeeper, and I kept thinking if my husband came home to find me trying to clean all sexy like that, he’d probably say, “What did you do this time?” Good for you for making it work for you. I’m going to laugh about the bathtub scene all day. Thanks for the giggle.
Lives by her wits, indeed.
hilarious and strewn with wisdom too
Agreed, Hara.
This blog has become a daily destination for me. It’s great.
Congratulations, you’ve earned your MBA.
Come further SOUTH still to follow the money. Myrtle Beach Bike Week is coming up and all the money that comes with it.
http://www.myrtlebeachbikeweek.com/
Tara, you are the bomb! There are SO many things I
love about this story. For a few: I love you even than
I already did because you had to call to get instructions
on how to clean a house (housework is the bane of
my existence and one of the many reasons I want
to “van dwell”). And I love that you are so ethical
down to the tiniest thing. And that you were so
generous with your security guy. And that you are
one resourceful chick and such a great writer. Please
keep amusing and inspiring me. As soon as I win the
lottery I will contact you to come and clean my house.
It will be all the work you’ll need for the rest of the year.
Be careful. On the news tonight the cops did a sting on Tampa Craigslist. 4 women advertised massages and were arrested when they showed up at a motel. The woman who was interviewed said she did nothing sexual.
I know, Wendy. There’s been a nationwide craigslist crackdown. And they wonder why nekkid girls are all underground. 🙁 Seriously, tho, this is why I never do anything like this someplace I can’t afford to get arrested.
heh, that was a great last line.
I like it, shero! You are indeed my shero as well! So resourceful. I am worried about the crackdown on craigslist. it may cause a national imbalance of nekkidness to those who want to see nekkid. and nature abhors an imbalance. so all the customers would stampede off a cliff into the sea, and balance will be restored. no, wait, all the nekkid police should just go back to solving real crime, and then the balance will be restored!
BRILLIANT!
You go girl, work it!
$600!!! Everyone is happy.
“In the south, I have the perfect body.” That is the quote of the week! xoxo
You rock!
That’s a good sum of money to earn in a day 😀
Wow, very resourceful! I’ve cleaned houses in a pinch when I’ve needed extra cash, and still do it from time to time.
I never thought about cleaning and stripping or cleaning in the nude. What a way to get the amount of money up considerably! I might use your advice the next time I need to earn some extra cash. A disposable phone and craigslist are easy, and over $100 to clean even a little is great. $600 would cover a whole week of work in an hour or two. Do it once a week and most monthly expenses are covered. Damn that’s good.
I just had an idea – topless pizza delivery! The tips would be fantastic. I may have to give it a go.
Sherri
A perfect follow up to the previous blogpost about wage slavery….I LOVE how you can just go out there and survive no matter where you are! If I’m ever stranded on a desert island, I want you with me!