In an alternate reality a friend of mine who’s new to stripping was going to come up here this summer and we were going to write The Cuntlovin’ Grrrls Guide to Stripping for Profit and Pleasure (if you don’t get the cuntlovin’ reference you need to read Cunt, by Inga Muscelli). It was going to be all about auditioning, making money, and negotiating the sometimes volatile waters of America’s strip clubs. Unfortunately our realities didn’t mesh so well and it didn’t happen. Yet the desire to put these things on paper never faded, so I’m going to make a series of Stripping 101 articles which may someday become a chapbook or some other awesome thing.
The first thing you need to understand about stripping is that strip clubs are as varied as restaurants. There’s truck stop diners, and there’s five star Italian places, and there’s everything in between. There are strip clubs with no lap dances, air dances, stage dancing only, lap dancing only, asshole managers, sweet managers, ass grabbin’ DJ’s, sexual harassment policies and professional staff, lap dances on the floor, lap dances in private booths, and masturbation shows behind glass (tho I tend to think that peep shows are not strip clubs, but some people run them together). No one a gazillion miles away on the internet can tell you what to expect at your local clubs, not even me. But I’ll tell you what I can tell you.
You’re probably worried about your body. If you’re like other girls you’re worried that you aren’t skinny enough, your scars or stretchmarks will look bad, etc. Don’t worry. As long as you are (or look) biologically female and healthy, you’re fine. Of course, standards vary geographically too. In the rural midwest you can be thirty pounds overweight and missing half your teeth and people will love to see you naked. At the more upscale clubs in NYC, you better have a low body fat percentage, manicure, pedicure, well styled hair, and good make up. However, even if you are thirty pounds overweight and missing half your teeth you should be able to find a club in NYC that will hire you.
The body basics: Do what you can to be in good shape. Eating disorders are not necessary for strip club success, just try to have some good muscle tone and not too much pudge. Shave your pussy: you can shave it bare, leave a landing strip, make a heart of hair, or whatever. Just make it look well groomed. If this is your first pudenda shaving experience, get in the bathtub with some baby oil and soak for a while, then shave under water with a fresh triple blade razor (I like the Mach3). Shave your armpits and your legs. Do something with your fingernails and toenails – just clear polish is enough for most places. Style your hair attractively. Long straight or wavy hair is most popular, but I’ve seen mohawks in tittie bars before – if you have an unusual look, you just need to know your market. Make up: the club is dark, so you need to do your make up more dramatically than you would in real life – use some contouring blush, cause you’ll have no natural shadows in a dark neon lit strip club. I highly recommend looong fake lashes and lots of lip gloss.
You’ll need a stripper outfit. You can find cheap ones on ebay. Depending on your area you might want to start out with booty shorts and a bikini top, or with a long gown. Ask for regional advice on the forums at http://www.stripperweb.com. Unless you are in a very very rural run down area, you need to get some stripper shoes. It’s (usually) okay to wear some nice 4″ heels your first day to make the money for stripper shoes, but don’t let it go beyond that. It just looks bad. When you get your strippa shoes, just put them on and wear them around your house until your used to them. If they’re slippery, put some non-skid stickies on the bottom of them.
Now you’re ready to find a club. Check out your area on stripclublist.com. What do the customers say about your local clubs (hint: “this clubs great, I got a $5 blow job” = very bad. “This club sucks none of the girls would sit and talk with me for free cause they were too busy doing dances” = very good). Check it out on stripperweb.com, too. What do the other strippers say about it? Make a list of the clubs you want to check out, then call them and ask when the best time to come in and audition is. Also ask if you’ll be able to work the same night you audition (most places will say yes).
When you get to the club remember to be very confident. It’s okay to ask the other girls which outfit you should wear and stuff, but if you get nervous and start crying in the dressing room or need to get drunk to go onstage your first time you aren’t ready to do this and you will probably have a really bad experience. It’s sad but true that people will sense and exploit your weaknesses in this business.
Most clubs these days will not ask you to actually go onstage to audition. They will look at you in your street clothes (wear something nice that shows off your body a little bit), or look at you naked, and tell you if you’re hired. The exceptions, of course, are clubs where they care if you can dance on stage or not. If you have to audition on stage, tell the DJ what kind of music you like (don’t stress about it), and ask if you can watch a few girls before you go up. When you go up just move veeery slooowly. Slow is sexy.
In some clubs stage dancing is just dancing, and at the end of the set you pick up tips that have been left on the stage. At most clubs, you’ll go around the edge of the stage, do a little five second dance for each guy (which can mean that you do a little shimmy and boobie shake or that you get down on the floor and spread your legs for them to check out your tonsils from the wrong side, just depending on where you are). There are clubs where tipping is more interactive – the customers put the dollars in their mouths and expect you to take them with your boobs, and in other areas any contact at all while you’re on stage is illegal. Make sure you know what the rules are before you go up.
Whatever you do up there, if you do it slowly and with confidence, you’ll look great. Remember, when you’re naked, anything you do is perfect. It’s like a sociological law.
Heh, you make it sound so easy!
You do make it sound easy, how interesting..
I don’t know why exactly, but your post pulled me in.
I’ve never tried the baby oil in the bath trick for shaving my woowoo, I’ll have to remember that one next time.
This is wonderful. Thanks, Tara.
Two guys nodded me over to the bar as I looked for drink orders between dancing back in 1980. “Hey, honey, we’ve got a running bet you weren’t born female”. I laughed and walked away. I had the smallest breast ever to hit a topless club and the biggest thighs. They had a right to their doubts. I rode my bike everywhere. Didn’t have a car, but I did have a small child and rent to pay.
I can always make myself laugh when I think about those two guys. Great blog. Iwiaki
It’s official–I’m a fan.
Excellent, Clear, True- Right On.
thanx…for all of that…i needed it….i am just starting…and am very attractive but dont have big boobs…so I am a little scared… 😳
I just google muscelli’s cunt and only your site came up? where can one find it? or at least a review/blurb etc?
Ok well i have an audition tomorrow and well im nervous cause well i think i look pretty good and i can dance fairly well .. but im afraid that when i get up on stage in fron tof the manager that im gonna just lose my confidence in my self cuz well i do have a slight pudge but im a fairly skinny person and i cant get abs overnight soo do u hae any recomendations on how to att least not look bloated before auditioning?
Thanks soo much…ive got tuition loans to pay and i dont have boobs but im confident that that wont be a problem….im nervous about it tooo. i do have a qestion though…can u dance when u want or will u have to be on a schedule?
It depends on the club, Janaelle. In some cities it’s traditional for strippers to have schedules, in others not. Even if there is a schedule, you usually make your own and then have to pay a fine if you don’t stick to it.
I really enjoyed your blog! I am a pretty experienced dancer and some points you hit on like the fact that as long as your confident and dance slowly you’ll look fine at any audition are right on point! I have a audition tomorrow at a gentlemen club and this really helped… Do you have any more advice?
Wow thanks for the tips, i’m not sure i could ever strip, besides all those beautiful women would make me too horny to do (lol) anything, let alone dance.
You might also want to check out some strip clubs in the mid west.
http://www.chicagostripclublist.com
You are really right about strip clubs being a variety such as restaurants. I recently had a client come in and ask if I could hypnotize her to do an audition at a club. I asked her for her reasons and she said she needed to make money fast. I told her I could help her with the audition but as far as stripping as a living, that was up to her. http://www.edgewaterhypnosis.com
Let me say you are such an inspiration to women even if they aren’t looking into stripping… women should be comfortable with their bodies and the flaws that make them unique and own it!! and you truly exemplify that in your articles. I am preparing myself for my first audition and have read all of your posted articles and have a question (hopefully you believe no question is a dumb question) but with all that money coming at you through the night and “few pockets” where do you put it? you cant very well run back to a locker assuming they have one after every 20-40 dollar lap dance right?! thanks and keep up the great work, i just found my favorite blog site! 😀
Oh no, I left out the most important part! Money! So, you wear a garter (no need to buy the overpriced things at stripper stores, cheap headbands work just as well) on your thigh. You carefull straighten your money into a pile, lift the garter and shove half the money under it. Fold the money over it, and secure with several rubber bands. When you get more money, fold it in half lengthwise, shove it in the rubber band, and fold it over the garter. In a club with lots of stage money, some people carry purses (especially those little box ones – bleh) to shove all the ones into so they don’t have to waste time straightening them out. I think it’s best to keep your money strapped to your leg at all times, tho.
I love this site! Thank you so much for your practical tips, but especially your more philosophical reflections on life and people.
I have been seriously considering becoming a stripper for quite some time (not because I need the money—just because I’ve always wanted to). So your advice really helps!
But I have a question : where does one learn how to use a pole? Is this simply learned on the job from other girls?
Thank you so much.
Well, if you want to use the pole you can practice when it’s slow. There’s not much point though, unless your in a stage heavy area like Portland.
I am considering taking a bus to a near by state to dance. Namely NY and was wondering what you thought on that. Have you ever done it or heard of it being done? I would do it on the weekends… thur. fri. sat. and come back sun. thanks and keep it up i love this site
My mistake was to cover up my body too much [jeans and a bust-showing blouse] and act shy on my first audition. But I came back in a mesh dress and a grin and got the job.
How to look good 4 audition:
avoid salt, avoid a big meal, take a nap, practice your dance in front of a mirror, whiten your teeth with baking soda and Hydrogen peroxide
work those muscles hard: do about 30 ab crunches and 30 lunges and squats to make those muscles pop! [thanks “stripper faq”] And, as always, less clothes is more, high heels, and if possible, check out the club before you audition and see what they’re wearing.
And, smile!
I recommend not taking a bus to strip clubs, take a taxi from a well-lit area. Always bring a change of clothes, and shoes. Always bring a friend the first time.
Oh, and don’t even try those hard drugs. who knows what’s really in them, anyways?
Don’t act too nice, some girls will think you’re naive and dive in like a bunch of coyotes. [Thank you to girl who licked my neck, tweaked my nipple and called it a lapdance! :-)]
But it’s okay to get a girl alone and ask her a question.
Good luck y’all, and wish me luck- audition at the Cheetah this week.
If you really want to be a stripper, just go and do it. If you put it off till you’re “perfect” it’s never gonna happen.
[In July I wanted to try stripping so I worked out for 3 weeks, bought lingerie, heels, some self-tanner and read blogs like these online. Easy peasy.]
Thanks Hobo Stripper! Check out Stripper Faq and Feminist stripper for more resources.
Do u hv any pic’s online?
Sorry about my post…very excited about stripping, hope I wasn’t stealing your job giving advice, thanks
Who ever is a stripper has the looks and confidence to do this kind of job in the top clubs and earn big money – simple as that!
I’m worried because I’m almost 5’9″ and weigh 160 pounds.
Lots of my guy friends, and even my boyfriend think I have what it takes to be a stripper.
Are the managers and such assholes when you audition? For instance:
“honey, honestly, you need to lose some serious weight, didn’t you think about that before you came?”
or will they be fairly nice?
Most people aren’t assholes, Musicgirl, but some are. Weight is highly geographic – what’s fat in Arizona is perfect in the south and the midwest, yanno? But usually if you’re not hired for weight they’ll just tell you to tone up or hit the gym and come back in a few weeks.
Ok I want to become a stripper mostly just because people have been telling me I should. A close guy friend told me I should be a stripper and said I’d make lots of money, so I asked my sister and she agreed and said it’s perfect for me. I am 5 ft 6 inches and I weigh 110lbs. my boobs aren’t very big, they are a 32b. I am fairly tanned, and have dark brown hair and blue eyes. yes I have a boyfriend though who is totally against me stripping bc he is very controlling of me and what I do. but I really am interested in stripping from the money aspect of it. should I or should I not? I don’t know how good I am at pole dancing but I am active, I was a competition gymnast for years so I’m good at this kind of stuff I expect. 🙂 btw I am 19 years old. help?
Erica, you should never do something because others tell you you should. If it feels right to you, by all means do some research and give it a shot. If you’re unsure and you’re only curious because others think it would fit you, question that. Only you decide what fits you.
As a 19 year old gymnast, you’ll be hot for many more years. You have time to contemplate your choices, feelings, and grow into yourself.
I hope I don’t sound preachy. Just be true to yourSELF. <3
I WISH I could fix my cash problems that easily. Biggest problem: Me+pole+4″heels+roomful of mouthy men=HUGE potential for injured males and incarcerated “Warrior Princess.” Hence my blogname. I have a pretty short fuse.
Is there a way to set up as a dom without a permanent base WITHOUT having to be a switch with a pimp?
Xena, um, I’ve never met a Dom with a pimp… have you? Anyways, no, it’s not easy to get set up in that business.
I said switch with a pimp. I look at the dom sites/ads, and most of them have home bases. I’ve talked to other girls who say they’ve worked in dungeons. But the dungeon owners are pimps in my view. They say the girls have to be subs too.
The whole speech sounded like a load of bs to me. Girls who don’t want competition, guys who want to mess with somebody, girls who think I’m stupid for asking a question like that, whatever.
The issue with me is just that I’m living in a sublet, and if I set up a business here, the landlord might get a surprise if any of my clients get confused about where I am in a few months, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I’ll see you on ecwhore.
Im goin for my audition tomrrow, im worried alittle but reading all of these blogs helped me. Thank you very much, I just had a baby 4 1/2 mounths ago have stretch marks and every thing and i have belly pudge. Im goin to do a spray tan tomrrow to boost my confidence. I hope it will. Wish me luck and thank you again.
Does age have a factor? i am 52 and well shaped had body work done and boobs done and i work out at the gym 4 days a week. I have tattoos and very confident. only factor is my age. will that work against me?
I met my wife in a strip club, tipped her 5 bucks and got the full spread. It was a week later, saw her again, tipped her another 5 bucks and saw it again.
On her break, I asked her to dinner, she said yes. I was thinking sure thing, nope.
Honest to God, our first time was on our wedding night. Dancers are not always whores.